If I Were President: My Iowa Speech

I have begun to explore starting my own exploratory committee regarding a run for the presidency. To get a feel for what this might like, I imagined the speech I would have made in Iowa recently had I been among the Republican presidential wannabes visiting the state trolling for dollars and votes.

The key to winning Iowa as a Republican is winning over the hard-core far right evangelical vote. Speaking directly to this constituency, I would say the following:

My fellow Americans, as Betsy Smith sang as she knit our nation’s flag, “God bless America!” Like you I am pro-God, pro-gun, pro-family, and pro-fetus, and while my opponents claim to be the same, they cannot match me in my devotion to these ideals.

I am pro–God, so pro-God, that I don’t care what God we are talking about. It can be Christ or Kali, Krishna or Allah, Yahweh or Vishnu, if it’s a God I’m all for it. And I would put God back in the public schools requiring students to pray each morning to the God of their choice. And to those Americans who lack a God I would give them one to try, a new one each week, until they find the God that works for them. Because without a God to tell us what to think we might have to think for ourselves and we know where that leads—communism!

I am also pro-Gun. Like you I hate background checks when buying my guns, but it isn’t enough to get rid of this government meddling in our right to bear arms and build arsenals, we have to be pro-active. So, if elected, I would push for a bill that would send a brand new made in America revolver to every fertilized egg in this country, assuming its parents are here legally.

And speaking of legal immigration I would put an end to Mexicans illegally crossing the US-Mexican border by doing away with the border and annexing Mexico all together. I would then legalize the drug trade and put the cartels on the NASDAQ.

I am more pro–family than my opponents, and I will, as president, make all abortion illegal in this country. But more than that, I will make all sex that is not explicitly for procreation illegal as well. I will require anyone purchasing contraception of any kind to undergo a background check and register their contraceptive device with the government to make sure that they are not using these items to prevent conception.

Global warming is a hot topic for many, and I do believe in global warming but only in the summer, and never in that other hemisphere that for some reason gets its summer during the winter. No that is some crazy climate stuff. Anyway, the key to combatting global warming is global cooling, so I would require every American to run her or his air conditioner at maximum throughout the year while keeping all windows open. Speaking of science I find the notion of evolution appalling. But my opponents do as well. What makes me the right choice is that not only do I deny the theory of evolution, but I deny the existence of Darwin as well!

My opponents oppose government sanction of gay marriage, and of course I agree. But I surpass them in that I oppose government sanction of all marriage. When God married Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden He didn’t require them to have a license issued by the state. We must get the government out of the marriage business, and leave that to the churches, synagogues, mosques, and temples.

Lastly I will balance the budget by doing away with all social spending. If God wanted us to care for the poor he’d have said so. The same with so called wealth inequality. As Jesus said, it is better for a rich man to own a camel herd then to stick a needle in the eye of a poor man.

Vote for me and I promise you a nation that fears God and anything else that will keep me in power. God bless all Americans here legally. Especially me.


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